Discovered some things today:

I have a tape that has been sounding horrible, all bass and drop outs and I was about to pitch it - but looking at it I noticed the foam that holds the tape against the head had completely disintegrated. I tore a receipt paper, folded it into a small square and placed it under the tape - works like brand new and sounds wonderful.

My photo III professor suggested, and provided to me, several sheets of enhanced matte paper to try my prints on. It was wonderful and gave me inspiration for my presentation at the show next week.

Two weeks left in the semester.

I guess it's a fair assessment to say my life has been in disarray now for a long time - years? I felt I mistreated the person I cared about the most, and I had no idea how I did it - how I became cold, apathetic, unable to communicate - and even less of an idea of how to fix it - and like many things, I don't think it can be fixed. This has caused suffering - it's also caused learning.

How to explain - when you're sitting face to face with another human being, the one who knows you better than any and you can't even force yourself to say a thing. Like the mind was removed and a shell of a body remains, blankly looking at this other person.

So I had to leave. I need to find a reason for being alive.

To go up, you must go down first. Tear everything apart and rebuild. Don't hold on to anything -

I've been reading:
suffering is directly related to the clinging to of transients.

Everything fades, everything dies. Contentedness is key - acceptance.


I'm afraid I may have lost some special people in the process - I've made friends, and I've maybe scared a few of them. I've been scared. And scarred. I've been reckless. And foolish.

One thing I've learned - you should not ever rely on anyone but yourself. Relying on others is the path to emptiness. Work together, lend hands, share only kind words. You should be a pillar of strength to yourself, and then lend the strength to your best friends, your family, your lover.

I spent the weekend in New York City. Between that and the last 24 hours I've had a major catharsis. I don't know where it will take me. I've finally really indulged and really broke some barriers and I feel the weight of the words I've spoke. I'm left with it's bitter fruits. I don't believe I'm a gluten for punishment - but I've been finding the meaning of wisdom first hand, rather than absorbing the words of those who have come before. One thing I've always known about myself is that I learn best by experience. It is one thing to read the path to Enlightenment, it is another to know first hand. I hope I can break this habit.

I'd approached my life like it was a spiritual lab experiment. Hypothesis - indulgent behavior, benevolence, narcissism, and harboring ill feelings will cause suffering. Conclusion - Yeah, but EXPERIENCE is ADDICTING.

I dropped my Western Lit. class today! It was the first time I've ever done that, but I was looking at a semester of sci-fi movies and philosophical cheese. Between work, and four other classes I don't see a lot of time left over for bad movies and goofy WebCT assignments.

I'm actually enjoying art history this semester. Today when Peters said, "This will be the last thing we look at today," I was actually sad. "Aw, class is already over!". Seriously. She's pretty good though, she's a good speaker and actually puts together good power point presentations - no cheese ball effects, just good high resolution images of the work, and usually from multiple sources. I pretty much got torn apart really quick in 2D synth, which is what I hoped for. I'm happy to have a professor who isn't spiteful or mean, but isn't shy about criticizing work either. Destruction of ego, it's been a goal of mine for a while and this class should help. My music of non-western worlds class is great - it's perfect: low stress, informative, and talking about an art form that goes against most conventions of 'good' or 'art' or whatever bullshit ways people have of talking about art. Photo III is going to be my chance to produce a serious body of work - all semester devoted to one series. I need to solidify my idea, until then I don't want to discuss it.

All in all I have my work cut out for me this semester, and I just couldn't see taking some core class (western lit) that was extremely biased - and the prof. is good, and admitted his class was unconventional, but I'll admit I'm not interested in devoting time to movies like 'The Matrix' or 'The Devil Wears Prada'. I know enough about film to know there's better things to waste two hours on (not counting the work that goes along with them).

Yeah, feelin' 1996.

As soon as my enlarger head arrives I'm gonna go nuts on some prints. I've had a few graphic/photo related gigs come up, and I'm starting to seriously consider starting a photo/graphic arts company. Hand made fine art prints from any film, scans/restorations, film processing, poster/advertisement design, portraits or photography of any kind, and for the hell of it I'll do 3d installations, too! Anything visually related. Anyone need a bust of a family member made? I'm open for business!

shadows run long on the road, four figures silhouetted on pavement. walking, nameless suburban road north eastern wealthy neighborhood. the air is clean, the streets are well lit, but not too well lit. and i'm on empty. without energy, without passion, without faith, or hope, and i'm even starting to forget what love is like. at least it was a real moment. at least i was conscious and the world was turning and we were breathing and roaming freely. At Least.

you're done when you're tired but you don't have a reason to sleep or a reason to move. when you've got no good reason to be ready for another day. you can only live once but you die everyday, and each death takes something with it forever. one day it was innocence. and one day later it was the feeling that all you'd lost was innocence.

when you see in print the demonized notion of humanity's saving grace, intellect, you might feel done. and when you see your work, rusting and dust collecting on bending shelves, in forgotten envelopes, and the weight of the knowledge that i am one of an infinite numbers of souls come and to come, you might feel finished.

but when i realize all existence has come and will go unnoticed, undocumented, and unimportant, when i realize the indigence of everything it's easy to relive all life's nuances, emotions, games, and existence within nostalgia, thus is possible: zen.

this is where i am, september the twenty third.

Oh Govenor Palin, you're a backwoods brat. I've got my fingers crossed they'll send your backwoods ass back. Well "God's Will" don't include mortal sins, so don't teach your lies to my next of kin, you backwoods brat. Get yr backwoods ass back, you backwoods brat. You're a coward who kills from the safety of the sky. You're kissing the ass of that maverick guy, you backwoods brat. Get Yr Backwoods Ass Back.



Or, listen here or here.

another slow day! sorting my hundreds (maybe over a thousand!) of slides. Developing b&w film. Tonight Green Bean is playing at the blackstone! sweet! I want to record it with my akai, but i'm unsure of the logistics... i'll make it happen somehow. last night at rehersal dave and neil were playing with the most excess i've ever heard, it was lots of energy, some good performances. i actually had to request a toning down for the gig. c'est la vie! who would have thought?

I finished reading Winesburg, Ohio today, for the second time (first time in fall of 2004). One of my favourite books to be sure. Sherwood Anderson, very inspiring writer to me.

ta ta, readers!

still alive & kickin'

working on a lo-fi album for fun. some recordings: CHECK IT.

Green Bean has lots of shows coming up, ya'll should come! If you ask me, I'll buy you a drink, maybe. I mean, I only got so much money. But ask me anyway. Oh, and sing along!

Went to the big city Thursday to pick up Ilfochrome chemistry.

Shot Super 8 in Times Square, got free cupcakes, watched a woman pose with a horse. Drove home. Good day.

that night...

Breeders announced a new show in NYC July 13th
WOAO

Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!

The Breeders!

Woah!

Yea!

Best concert ever.

This was my first album, on cassette, a present from my parents for my 5th birthday (april 1990). And for the last 18 years it's been a loyal pal. It's gone through a few plastic cases, and is missing a few pages, but I still listen to ite all the time (including on repeat Saturday, much to my neighbors chagrin - haha). Dry County, Roam, Topaz, Deadbeat Club - these are some of my favorite songs of all time. And Follow Your Bliss is, for whatever strange neurological reason, my "womb" song. You know what I'm saying? It's the song that brings me peace. I just remember hot summer afternoons me playing in the garage attic, and the front yard of my parents house while it floated through the air.

While I was living in Chicago, I saw a vinyl copy at the library. Since then I've been wanting it to complete my B-52's vinyl collection - Debut, Wild Planet, Party Mix, Mesopotamia, Whammy, Bouncing off the Satelites (... ok, there's also Good Stuff [1992] and Funplex [2008] but I just can't bring myself to think of those the same).

So after mulling on it for two years, I broke down and bought it on e-bay today. From someone in Germany. For $40. Wow. But it'll be worth it. In a week, I'll be blissing out in my living room to the sweet sounds of the b's. Oh Yeah.

Vinyl Rulz. p3ac3 <3.

your light
your sight
not mine

printed color last night.
at home.
for the first time.
woah.

fun. for the first time in all my life, I'm appreciating cool tones. and wanting to see them.

huh?

probably because i found it's very easy. to print. a yellow photo.
this probably explains every print from the sixties.

End of Saturday night, closing up the booth. 2008.





Pregnant cranival worker with baby carriage. 2008.




Young family. 2006.





Patriotism at the fair. 2006.

More from this series here.

Well, my rearranging project was started, but not finished. The living room is much more open now, and it kind of reminds me of a VFW post with the stereo Kittie-cornered by the window and room to dance in front. Reluctantly, Neil and I moved the old Grundig into the basement. We also started sorting the mountain (yes, mountain) of dirty laundry, and I did a load of that. I'd say at least 60% of it is going to good will, but it really needs to be cleaned first - it's been on the floor since we moved in last July.

As much as I wanted to make the attic into my guy retreat office space, it doesn't seem likely (no insulation, poor electricity, and I would have to go through Lindsay's room to get there). So, I've been thinking about turning the bottom of basement stairs into a computer area/office, and having the basement room be a music/art/electronics fiddling space (Did I mention I have four reel to reels on my bench right now?)

My new external hard drive crashed. The one I transferred all my images, music, videos, and documents too. Luckily, much of it was backed up on my old HD, CD's, flash drives etc. Another reminder of the fragility of the digital age. It's funny, because the afternoon it crashed I had remarked to Neil that I was maybe coming around to all this digital nonsense, maybe I'd even consider a digital camera. Even though I lost months worth of scans, I'm glad that my negatives are safe in binders and envelopes.

Yesterday I had a small mental breakdown, they come every so often. There was a lot of staring at the wall, ceiling, closing eyes, and a kicking a few things (although, not much of that, I was only wearing socks and it hurt my toes). Then I listened to Mountain Battles (not related to the laundry issue) and relaxed with Snoopy. I felt better after that. It's just that sometimes all the shit that Marybeth and I have accumulated is maddening. It's time for some things to go.

can't stop the wave of sorrow
every mile you go
come home
come home

this night of joy follows
every where you go
come home
come home
come home
- kimberly deal.

Well, I made it through my first semester back in college. Grades:
Design I - A
Western Civilization - A
Figure Modeling - A
Art History (Prehistoric to Middle Ages) - B+

I'm happy with those. Art history could have been an A, but I found the class and my professor too painful to attend all the time - which didn't have any effect on my grade, that is because my midterm was a B (I wrote a long involved essay about fertility, but apparently she was only looking for certain examples that I missed). Whatever. Straight A's next time.

Last night Neil and I went to Local 121 and had lots of drinks, well four. For me, that's a lot. My stomach is still rolling. I'm not sure how this happened, but lately if I have more than two beers, I'm sick the next day. What gives?

Sunday I recorded the vocals on four new songs, and I think for the first time in my life I'd say "they sound good". You know, for once it sounds like music! Maybe practicing all the time is starting to pay off...

I'm getting a bit impatient with the whole recording process and I'm really trying to move along as quick as possible. I'd love to have something done by mid summer, and then play barbques and cook outs all though August. Yeah, that sounds perfect. You know what I'm talking about, cloudy chance of rain Saturdays, lots of cars in the street, grills and coolers, lawn chairs, smoke, running around, laughing and music. It's the summer of love!

My goal for this week is to get the house cleaned and somewhat reconfigured. In fact, I begin now! farewell readers...

babiezzz, plz watch me play my song, it's like real cu0l.thx.

Question-
Is it possible for people to discuss recorded art intelligently without "it sounds like they tried to sound like their first album, but instead it sounds like BAND-X covering BAND-Y..."? It seems not, as it seems every "music authority" discusses albums in terms of other albums, never giving a clear statement about the product. Now, of course, I'm making a blanket statement, but I find it discouraging. Kerouac wrote, "Comparisons are odious." After spending months, or even years creating an album, a work of art, it's sad to see it written off as "...while (New Album) seems to be more comfortable aiming for the good old (band name) sound, that does make these uncomfortable similarities (and inadequacies in comparison with an album like (their first album)) all the more apparent." It's all circular logic and no meaning nonsense.

Dear comfortable blog writer,
artless fruit fly,
there's something going on, but you don't know what it is...

smoke of cigarettes, yellow sheets still wet
watch the rerun news, buy a ticket to lose

innocence of living null
to the size of a hole

another lay in bed with stormy alibi,
perfume paints my head (and) makes my mother cry

something floating over seas
your cloud invisible to me

back of hand pressed
to back of hand

the perfect image of a dream
innocent of me